So I have been living a lie. Granted it was hardly my own doing. Today, the day I was forced into this world against my will, I found out that I am longer a Capricorn. Rather, I am a Sagittarius. The shock of this realization is intense. Suddenly, my identity has been altered. I no longer get along with well with Virgos and Libras. I wonder what my last girlfriend’s sign was. I am sure this factors into the break-up somehow. As a Sagittarius, my ideal sign partner (sounds like a deaf date) is Aries. Aries, according the internets, are symbolized by the ram. The ram has come to represent male fertility, aggression, and courage. This makes it seems as though I might be gay. It says nothing of feminine fecundity, sympathy and compassion. Come to think of it, I have always felt a little off.
As a Capricorn, my animal counter-part is a goat. But now as a Sagittarius, I am the Archer—half-man; half-horse. That’s way better. Capricorns are tenacious, conservative, resourceful, disciplined, wise, ambitious, prudent, and constant. These adjectives do not define me. I am not wise or ambitious. I sat on my fat ass all break. I barely finished one book—a book that was an easy read, to boot. Conservative? No, I’m a liberal. Tenacious? If there’s a long line at the drive-thru, I say fuck this and drive away, hungry. Wise? I can’t even do geometry. What is an obtuse angle? Sounds like an angle that is being a dick and just won't express exactly what it is. Angles are stupid, anyway.
So all along, I was trapped in the wrong sign’s body. Like a woman trapped in a man’s body. And now that I have had my figurative astrology re-assignment surgery—thanks to the science of those astrologers—I can now feel at one with myself. As a Sagittarius, I am optimistic, restless, enthusiastic, adventurous, honest, irresponsible, outspoken, and independent.
My friends often tell me how optimistic I am. For example, someone the other day asked me about God. I said what I believed: that there is no God or after life; the only thing that is real is the now, the right now. Life is a second-to-second existence with no afterlife. When we die, there’s nothing. So you see how truly optimistic I really am. Restless? I have restless-foot syndrome. Enthusiastic? Of course. I am most enthusiastic watching my beloved Lions play football. For example, if they have a big lead, say 6 points, and the other team has the ball with only one minute to play, I am very enthusiastic about their chances of giving up the late score and losing the game.
It is quite a relief to finally understand what I am. I am a Sagittarius. That sounds so sweet.
